I can’t believe I am airing my dirty laundry in public. But I console myself with the flimsy idea at least I’m being honest. So I had to ask myself, when I heard of the good fortunes of a long-lost relative why am I obsessing about her life-changing news? Is it the green-eyed monster? Although to be honest, I really cannot bring myself to think I have any such ‘monstrosities’ lurking in my personality. But apparently there are some, if my fixation is anything to go on. So off I went on a little soul-searching to find out why is this bringing out the not-so-nice parts of me.
Apparently psychologists take the time to explain the difference between ‘envy’ and ‘jealousy’. OMG…so now I have to figure out if I am envious or jealous…both of which are like asking yourself which is less ugly! In a nutshell, envy is what you feel when you see someone getting a break, or prospering, or ‘catching a good man’ and you’re not. And it brings up, they say, inadequate feelings you might have about yourself. So your ‘under-achievement’ is the key issue.
Jealousy, well this is a bit more problematic because it posits the view that you are emotionally underdeveloped, or badly wired, meaning you can react in very unhealthy ways toward the supposed target. So jealousy when looking at relationships rears its ugly head when the spouse/partner, sees another person as a threat. Someone who wants to take away their man/woman/child etc. And it can, very frequently lead to really anti-social actions on the part of the ‘jealous’ person. Food for thought. But thankfully that description was way off mark where I was concerned. No. I am most certainly not in denial!
So this is me now, armed with a perspective, trying to figure out why am I bothering with the fairy tale love affair of my pal, whom by the way, I have not seen in over a decade. I have to be honest. I am a sucker for ‘fairy tales’. So when she told me this fabulous story of ‘boy-meet-girl’ ending with ‘happily ever after’, I was so sucked into it….I had to ask myself how come some women manage to frog-march a bloke up the aisle, not once, but twice or three times in their life, and I, like a magnet, seem to be drawn to the ones who have the sign emblazoned on their foreheads… ‘don’t believe in marriage’ type?! And then, once they have managed to be ‘Queen’ for a day, with a flouncy frock and lots of glossy bridal pics, tell me, as I oooh and aaahh over the details, that marriage is overrated! Really? Can I have a shot at just a nice frock please before you burst my bubble?!
So back to her and her brand new Merc gifted to her by her beloved! He never once, questioned her newly arrived status in the US, whether she was in ‘green card’ mode or looking for a ‘sugar Daddy’ to take care of her. He fell in love with her over the phone! How lucky is that?! I am thinking no one ever fell in love with me so spontaneously (and vice-versa)! It was always about ‘is this the right person for me’, or will he still love me tomorrow? It’s a song. Kudos to the writer because it is a very important question in a romantic liaison. But yes, it is my unending preoccupation. Will I ever be someone’s special treasure? Now that I am older and perhaps more ‘contained’ I can think of these things with some wisdom. That love and marriage doesn’t always go together but it’s a really nice fantasy to think they do and in some cases, it seems to work.
So now that I have digested the psychology of it … I don’t feel as if I have some ugly demons inside of me. I rather think it is my own feelings of inadequacy, being abandoned, needing validation that comes into play and causes me to trip up from time to time. It’s human. So after a cup of some maple syrup infused Earl Grey tea the soul-searching session is over. No more obsessing…at least for now.
(oops not my graphic but nice anyway)